The Psychology of Interdependence Through an Autistic Lens, by Alex Kimmel
At the 2024 Gentle Teaching International Conference, an unforgettable session unfolded—one grounded in authenticity, humility, and bold truth-telling. Led by advocate and educator Alex Kimmel and facilitator Deirdre (Dee) Mercer, their session brought to life the power of interdependence, belonging, and neurodiversity, all rooted deeply in the Culture of Gentleness.
It was more than a presentation—it was an invitation. One that asked us not just to listen, but to reflect, feel, and grow.
A Friendship Forged in Gentleness
Deirdre opened the session with warmth and honesty. Sharing how she met Alex in 2014 through training with the Center for Positive Living Support in Michigan, she reflected on how Gentle Teaching—its pillars, tools, and central purpose—gave words to what Alex already lived and felt.
Her role, she said, was simple but profound: to tell the room just how important Alex’s message is. To affirm what many still need to hear—autistic voices belong at the center of conversations about support, inclusion, and community. Not because of what they overcome, but because of what they know, offer, and teach.
What Is the Psychology of Interdependence?
Alex’s presentation, titled “The Psychology of Interdependence Through an Autistic Lens,” walked us through the foundation of Gentle Teaching as lived experience. Drawing on the work of John McGee, he described how interdependence is not just theory—it is a deeply human need.
Alex reminded us that real support doesn’t begin with expectations placed on the person—it begins with a change in how we show up. It begins with building safe, loving relationships, where every person feels seen and valued.
He emphasized a hierarchy to the four Gentle Teaching pillars:
- Safety comes first
- Then love
- Only then can a person be loving and engaged
Without safety, we cannot expect meaningful connection or participation.
Structure, Safety, and Self-Advocacy
Alex generously invited us into his world—his real, everyday world. He explained how structure and planning are not rigid routines, but anchors of peace. His planner, visual supports, and personal routines are not restrictive. They are liberating.
By advocating for structured communication (like written questions before meetings) and honoring his sensory needs, Alex takes the lead in defining what support actually means for him. This is not “accommodation” in the technical sense—it’s interdependence in practice.
He shared how even a casual icebreaker, if unstructured or fast-paced, can exclude rather than include. But with planning—like conversation starter name tags or shared outlines—those barriers can be transformed into bridges.
Belonging vs. Attendance
In one of the most resonant moments, Alex offered this distinction: “Attendance is different from belonging.”
He illustrated this through his vibrant life: playing on teams, singing in choir, volunteering, training, and spending intentional time with friends. What mattered most was not just showing up—but being known, missed, included, and valued. That is belonging.
This was echoed in research Alex referenced from Dr. Erik Carter, who identified ten dimensions of belonging: present, invited, welcomed, known, accepted, supported, cared for, befriended, needed, and loved. These are not privileges—they are basic human needs.
Respecting Autistic Voices
Alex’s message wasn’t just about himself—it was about how the world must change. He quoted advocates like Judy Endow, Pete Wharmby, and Becca Laurie Hector, who speak passionately about shifting from awareness to acceptance.
Autism, he explained, is a diagnosis. But being autistic is an identity—an experience of the world that is complete, valid, and worthy of respect. He challenged assumptions and invited all of us to examine how neurotypical norms often ignore the stress, pain, and misunderstanding faced by autistic people.
He made it clear: to truly be inclusive, we must move beyond tolerance or integration. We must seek genuine belonging, rooted in mutual respect, individualized support, and shared humanity.
Culture of Gentleness: A Two-Way Street
Throughout his presentation, Alex returned to the concept of mutual learning and interdependence. He explained that Gentle Teaching is not about saving or fixing—it’s about co-creating safety and meaning. It’s about learning from and with each other, not leading from above.
Dee closed the session by inviting everyone to reflect on three simple prompts:
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I learned…
-
I wonder…
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I feel…
Her own response was heartfelt:
“I learned there’s a difference between attendance and belonging.
I wonder how many countries Alex will travel to after today.
I feel so grateful—grateful for my mentors, my community, and for being part of something that truly matters.”
An Ongoing Invitation
Alex’s session wasn’t a conclusion—it was a beginning. He urged us to take what we learned into our communities. To follow and amplify autistic voices. To reshape our understanding of inclusion and support. To value structure, respect sensory differences, and engage in reciprocal relationships.
As Alex said, the Culture of Gentleness means letting people feel respected on their terms. It means building spaces where everyone belongs—not just in theory, but in practice.
The call was clear: If we want interdependent communities, we must be willing to unlearn, to listen, and to lead with love.