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Trivial is Transformational, by Connie Jones

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Trivial is Transformational.

As a philosophy, Gentle Teaching puts the onus on us to change how we interact in the little moments together, and to take those opportunities to remind people that they are safe with us, loved by us, and that they are good, just as they are. Full stop. That means we show love even in the face of violent behaviours, to see those outbursts for what they are: brokenness, and ultimately, to stop trying to ‘mend’ a broken brain but instead, go for the heart.

That’s what founder John McGee called us to be: Menders of broken hearts.

Tall order? Maybe. But maybe it just takes a moment.

Now that I’m a grannie, I sometimes feel the responsibility more heavily than ever to ensure that my grandkids won’t develop hearts that ever need mending. As a Gentle Teacher, I’m keenly aware that right now, my sweet littles are learning all about themselves through their interactions with the adults around them, including me. I can’t forget the significance of seemingly trivial moments together. What is the message beneath my words, when I speak to them? What tone do I intentionally take? How mindful am I of my pacing, intensity, and word choices so as to convey positivity and reduce anxiety? Do my eyes speak of love, even when the kiddos are wreaking havoc on the house, the furniture, or – god bless ‘em – the dogs? Does my presence give them a safe space to just be? And what about my hands? I mean, I just want to grab those kiddos and gobble zeeberts all over their bellies and tickle them until they squeal. But even these loving moments together could become overwhelming for them, and I need to remember to move into their spaces with a keen awareness that my presence is big in their little worlds.

Gentleness is powerful. It might have more transformative power in the small moments that form moral memory than vengeance against thine enemies ever could, because where vengeance is felt in the storm, gentleness is found in the calm.

Like when I sang to my granddaughter while combing her hair softly. Or when I don’t rush through daily chores but invite them to help choose their clothes for the day, or set the kitchen chairs up at the sink so we can play in the suds while washing dishes together. Or work out the zoomies by cranking some music and having a dance party in the living room. These seemingly mundane moments carry huge significance. So, while we do things together, I try to be very mindful of each of my tools.

I think that kiddos have just as much value in this world when they’re tiny as they’ll have when they’re  grown – even in those times when my little angels’ behaviour isn’t exactly congruent with their value. I think that above and beyond anything else, all kids need to be reminded of how good and lovable they are, just as they are. During the time that we spend together, I want my grandkids’ powerful brains and beautiful hearts to get one thing straight: When they’re with me, they’re safe. And they’re loved, just as they are. Full stop.

www.gentleteaching.com
www.gentleteaching.ca
www.coracademy.ca

Connie Jones is a certified Gentle Teaching Ambassador with Gentle Teaching Canada. She has a Master of Arts in Leadership, three grown kids and four grandchildren. She currently lives in Saskatchewan with her partner of 35 years, two dogs, and five unfinished manuscripts.

 

The pillars of Gentle Teaching (safe, loved, loving, and engaged) have taught me the difference between equal and equitable.

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Dr. John McGee’s Gentle Teaching has transformed the person I am by helping me to understand that everyone deserves the help that they require. This is beneficial to me as I start my internship at a local inner-city school through the University of Regina Faculty of Education. As I start this journey, the teachings of McGee will continue to guide and shape my thought process by helping me to understand that there are reasons behind any action, as well as by helping me recognize the difference between equal and equitable. Together these teachings help me to better support those around me.

The realization that there is a reason behind any action will help to guide me in the future. The importance of recognizing things like attention seeking behaviours helps me to understand that some “negative” behaviours may stem from a negative experience or that a person may be lacking positive attention so they are seeking that attention through behaviours. A key for me to deal with this is to remember the four tools of gentle teaching; presence, words, hands, and eyes. By having a welcoming presence, words of encouragement/recognition and to spread conversation throughout the class, using my body language to show that I am calm and accepting, and my eyes to recognize everyone’s presence I will be able to provide positive attention to all students.

GT has helped me

Along with the tools, the pillars of Gentle Teaching (safe, loved, loving, and engaged) have taught me the difference between equal and equitable. This will guide me in supporting individuals who I serve with COR as well as in school. This is important because the pillars can be used as categories of self-fulfillment. When considering a person’s level of content with their pillars, there may be pillars where that persons level of content is higher than others. This is similar to using a wellness wheel to measure different areas of health like physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual. By using the four pillars of gentle teaching I am able to better understand that everyone feels more content and less content in different areas so everyone needs equitable treatment that focuses on the pillar(s) that they need to improve the most in order to make that individual feel fulfilled in all four pillars. Where as equal treatment would focus on helping everyone progress in the same way without considering individual needs. Considering the four pillars will help me to make sure that people feel fulfilled in those areas and are able to say “in this place I feel safe, I feel loved, I am able to love and I am engaged with the people and things around me”. This helps me to better understand that everyone needs support in their own specific way.

Gentle Teaching has helped to transform me into the person I am today. The teachings help me to better comprehend the idea that every person needs a different form of support. Through critical thinking I am able to understand that there are reasons for any action and that people deserve to have support that suits their needs instead of one uniform approach. Gentle Teaching has helped me to grow as a teacher, support person and most importantly as a person.

 

Andrew,

COR Family Member

 

Vulnerabilities of Caregivers – John J. McGee

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“Although our vulnerabilities and the external threats to our wellbeing are in many ways nothing compared to those of the persons whom we serve, it is important that we recognize our own before dealing further with the vulnerabilities of those whom we serve.

We are all vulnerable to breakdowns in our personal values. Sometimes these can be due to how we feel and what we are experiencing within ourselves; at other times we can be part of a system that makes it harder for us to respond to our shared values. If a caregiver is afraid of being hurt, he/she then becomes more likely to use restraint to control violent behaviors. Or, if a caregiver is depressed, then it is extremely hard to bring joy to others. If we are being beaten and de-valued at home, it is hard to bring non-violence into someone else’s home.

John J. McGee’s “Mending Broken Hearts” CPLS Newsletter

Many of our vulnerabilities are worsened by lack of adequate training and hands-on supervision. Some caregivers are quite isolated and seldom have the opportunity to discuss their problems and search for new responses to challenging situations. It is critical that caregivers recognize their weaknesses and find ways to overcome them. Community leaders need to listen to caregivers and find ways to offer support and encouragement.

Caregivers need to find their own self-worth from themselves, talking frequently, sharing their anxieties, and pointing out their goodness. Our own worth has to be generated from within ourselves. We need to form strong communities.

The question of burnout seems to be always present. Some caregivers give up and attribute their burnout to poor supervision, working in violent settings, receiving little guidance, or low pay. Since we are not only teaching feelings of companionship, but also a sense of community, it is important for caregivers to look at themselves, question their reality, and search for ways for themselves to feel safer, more engaged, and more valued. The first step in this is to step back and examine those things that make us vulnerable.

Let us take a moment to reflect on these aspects of our lives — recognizing these will help us understand better the needs of those whom we serve.”

 

~Excerpt from John J. McGee’s “Mending Broken Hearts” — CPLS Newsletter.

 

Mentoring is About…

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– Us and all caregivers: mothers, fathers, direct care supporters, clinicians, physicians, and all who advocate for and about those who are forsaken.

– All cultures and our desire and creativity to integrate the centrality of feeling safe and loved into all cultures and faith systems

-A sharp and transcending focus on caregivers and administrators with the assumption that we are the ones who need transformation from within so that we might more lovingly serve others.

– Our day to day life experiences, always linking what is taught with what is done

– A calling to keep our hearts open to building on unconditional love and its meaning in every encounter.

– Human interdependence as the center of the human condition.

– A commitment from agencies to a culture of gentleness that gradually changes policies and procedures so that feeling safe and loved is the central cultural aspect of all forms of care giving.

– Experiencing hands-on interactions with the most forsaken individuals and sharing ideas with caregivers around the kitchen table in a spirit of gentle dialog.

– Developing and carrying out community-centered celebrations that lead to companionship and community.

-John McGee

Developing and carrying out community-centered celebrations that lead to companionship and community

Who The Other Is: Human Vulnerabilities and Gifts

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Who the other is: HUMAN VULNERABILITIES AND GIFTS

Caregivers have to be very tuned into the life-story of the person and the significance and impact of inner vulnerabilities; we must also be astute at seeing or even sensing the life-giving gifts of each person such as forgiveness, curiosity, hope, and the slightest hints of a hunger to connect with others.

Vulnerabilities can be caused by a sorrowful, often undefined, vague, but morally defining, memories of years of segregation, loneliness, scorn, institutionalization, racism, sexual abuse, societal prejudice, illiteracy, poverty, imprisonment, neglect, war, dictatorship, torture, the loss of family members, political isolation, and poor health care. These experiences and often vague and ill-defined memories can be worsened by our lack of attunement or empathy for these conditions, ignoring their long-term effects, or taking a “lift yourself up by your bootstraps” attitude. Internal vulnerabilities can come from psychiatric conditions such as schizophrenia, manic-depression, depression or the often condescendingly cited “borderline” personality.  Caregivers frequently fail to recognize or understand the hidden power of past memories and the end result is comments such as knowing better, being manipulative, or attention seeking.

They can be made more difficult by physical disabilities such as seizures, sensory disorders, or the side effects of medications. The presence of developmental disabilities can make it more difficult for the person to defend self and reach out to others.

Each person is a unique expression of the human condition

Our human strengths and weaknesses are shared with those whom we serve. Each person is a unique expression of the human condition. Some are more troubled or burdened than others, but we all share the common thread of humanity. Within this fragile thread lie the values that bind us together. In our own personal lives, these vulnerabilities can arise at any time and threaten our well-being.

The question is to what degree does any individual need support when threatened by these and other forces. We need to recognize each person’s vulnerabilities and find ways to reach out to those who are more threatened. They are more than persons with vulnerabilities, mental illness, or behavior problems. They are full human beings with a range of gifts and vulnerabilities, a deep inner life that beseeches and long ago our attention, and longings that call for fulfillment.

While recognizing the need for teaching functional skills, our central caregiving role must focus on teaching each person to feel safe with us and loved by us. Although professional measurement tools to define the degree or absence of functional behaviors can play a useful secondary role in care giving, if the central developmental milestone of feeling safe and loved is not achieved, then any further discussion can be fairly shallow. If the center of the human condition has not been achieved or has been broken, the rest of learning is merely peripheral. If we can help form the center, skills will blossom. The assessment of our companion or becoming-companion is based on the assumption that we must focus on the center and then the periphery will take care of itself.

John J. McGee

Common Situations: Refusal to Participate

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Common Situations: Refusal to Participate

If the person refuses to participate,

• Make sure there is a structured flow to the day, not just the emptiness of custodial care.
• Be aware of other caregivers who might be coaxing, cajoling, or bribing the person to participate.
• Bring about minimal participation by doing activities with the person.
• Continue to dialogue.
• Emphasize valuing and elicit it during any movement toward the slightest participation.

We are challenged to enable participation and establish feelings of solidarity

The major challenge in this situation is to make valuing occur, even in settings that contradict it. Many caregivers work in almost hopeless situations: institutions where the mentally ill are herded like animals, nursing homes where the aged are left to fade away, homeless shelters where the poor are warehoused for an evening. Although we need to fight for social justice and establish decent places for people to live, work and play, many caregivers still need to create hope and feelings of companionship where there is none. Thus, if we work alone in a setting that seems to be the antithesis of valuing and engagement, we have a special and difficult role: to bring hope where only despair reigns.

To bring hope where only despair reigns

 

We will often be ridiculed for our idealism and seeming naiveté. Yet we can express valuing and create feelings of companionship even in the midst of hopelessness. Our interactions are what matters. If the person in the most forsaken institutional ward runs from us and falls to the floor, we can keep on teaching the meaning of human engagement. If the person lashes out, spits, or screams at us, we can move toward him or her and continue to bring about engagement and give unconditional valuing. We are challenged to enable participation and establish feelings of solidarity regardless of the hellish reality in which we find those who are marginalized.

-John J. McGee, PhD

Mentors Cannot Give What They Do Not Have

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“Mentors cannot give what they do not have. Mentors are not about changing anyone’s behaviours; they are about focusing on others feeling safe with them and loved by them. Nothing more and nothing less. When in situations where there might be opportunities to state what they are against, they merely share what they are for.

Mentors do not devalue, put down or condescend; they lift up, respect, and simply share what they might do. They do not forbid or frown upon those actions that they do not like. They must be embedded in daily hands-on experiences with the most marginalized. They find joy in being among the most forsaken; they reach out to the most abandoned. The Mentor’s work is with caregivers in union with the most marginalized.”

-John McGee

Mentors cannot give what they do not have

We Need To Be The Most Loving During The Worst Moments

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“We often see ourselves as better than those whom we serve and express this in talking down to those who are troubled, acting condescendingly, separating ourselves from their lives, and making sure that we are in control instead of dialoguing. Our task as caregivers is companionship and community. Our culture makes it harder because there is an expectation that we must control others by withholding ‘positive attention’ when someone is acting out. Our position is the opposite. We need to be the most loving during the worst moments.”

-John McGee

Our role as caregivers is to provide community and companionship

Unconditional Value

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“Our experiences with Gentle Teaching have taught us that change needs to start with us–our warmth, tolerance and the translation of values into relationships based on companionship. Our interactions need to reflect warm caring and a spirit of oneness in spite of even intense rejection or rebellion. They need to begin to signal feelings of empathy and the understanding that the relationship will evolve into an authentic friendship even though initially it is quite lop-sided.

Our interactions need to centre themselves on love the person with unconditional respect during the best moments and the most difficult ones. We have to care about the other and express the feeling that we are with and for the person. Spit can be running down our face or slaps stinging on our arms, but we need to unconditionally value the other. We are asked to transmit this feeling through dialogue and sharing our life experiences with the other. Our task is to initiate this process in a spirit of human solidarity.

Warmth can be felt

Warmth can be felt in the tone of our voice, the sincerity of our gaze, and the serenity of our movements.

Tolerance is conveyed through patience in the face of aggression, respect in the face of rejection, and perseverance in the face of entrenched rebellion. Our values are the impetus within this process, and they need to be constantly questioned and deepened. It is this spirit that we have learned in our gentle teaching experiences–to break away from emotional homelessness, to rupture the cold grip of loneliness, and to center ourselves  on unconditional love.

The challenge is not to find non-aversive behavioural techniques, but to formulate and put into practise a psychology of interdependence that goes against the grain of modifying the other and asks for mutual change. This presents a major challenge to parents, professionals, and advocates. It requires an awakening of our values and putting them into practice in the most difficult situations.”

 

-John McGee

Defining Empathy

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“Empathy is not pity.”

“It is a feeling of being-one-with-the-other. It is trying to understand and sense why a child or adult is acting in a particular way and reflecting on the cumulative impact of each persons life history–years of segregation, submission, and isolation that gnaw away at the spirit. It is a spirit of sharing our common humanity, and the belief that no one exists as a mere individual but that we all exist interdependently…Empathy does not mean over-protection. It comes from our knowledge of the other and ourselves, our reality, our vulnerabilities, and our strengths and weaknesses. It is caring about the others anger, frustrations and rejection instead of whether the other is obeying or producing.

Represent-kindness-serenity-and-peace

We need to represent kindness, serenity and peace. It involves recognition of the personal and social dimensions of what it means to be handicapped, mentally ill, poor or abandoned. It remains steadfast during the good times and bad, at the depths of fury and the heights of joy. Nobody is only a student, a client, a resident, homeless, poor, or powerless. Empathy drives us to uncover the human condition and reveal its fullness, our fragility in the face of life’s vicissitudes, or vulnerability to emotional disruption, and our need for being-with others. We need to consider that we are but one short from homelessness ourselves.”

-John J. McGee