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Common Situations: Refusal to Participate

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Common Situations: Refusal to Participate

If the person refuses to participate,

• Make sure there is a structured flow to the day, not just the emptiness of custodial care.
• Be aware of other caregivers who might be coaxing, cajoling, or bribing the person to participate.
• Bring about minimal participation by doing activities with the person.
• Continue to dialogue.
• Emphasize valuing and elicit it during any movement toward the slightest participation.

We are challenged to enable participation and establish feelings of solidarity

The major challenge in this situation is to make valuing occur, even in settings that contradict it. Many caregivers work in almost hopeless situations: institutions where the mentally ill are herded like animals, nursing homes where the aged are left to fade away, homeless shelters where the poor are warehoused for an evening. Although we need to fight for social justice and establish decent places for people to live, work and play, many caregivers still need to create hope and feelings of companionship where there is none. Thus, if we work alone in a setting that seems to be the antithesis of valuing and engagement, we have a special and difficult role: to bring hope where only despair reigns.

To bring hope where only despair reigns

 

We will often be ridiculed for our idealism and seeming naiveté. Yet we can express valuing and create feelings of companionship even in the midst of hopelessness. Our interactions are what matters. If the person in the most forsaken institutional ward runs from us and falls to the floor, we can keep on teaching the meaning of human engagement. If the person lashes out, spits, or screams at us, we can move toward him or her and continue to bring about engagement and give unconditional valuing. We are challenged to enable participation and establish feelings of solidarity regardless of the hellish reality in which we find those who are marginalized.

-John J. McGee, PhD

Mentors Cannot Give What They Do Not Have

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“Mentors cannot give what they do not have. Mentors are not about changing anyone’s behaviours; they are about focusing on others feeling safe with them and loved by them. Nothing more and nothing less. When in situations where there might be opportunities to state what they are against, they merely share what they are for.

Mentors do not devalue, put down or condescend; they lift up, respect, and simply share what they might do. They do not forbid or frown upon those actions that they do not like. They must be embedded in daily hands-on experiences with the most marginalized. They find joy in being among the most forsaken; they reach out to the most abandoned. The Mentor’s work is with caregivers in union with the most marginalized.”

-John McGee

Mentors cannot give what they do not have

We Need To Be The Most Loving During The Worst Moments

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“We often see ourselves as better than those whom we serve and express this in talking down to those who are troubled, acting condescendingly, separating ourselves from their lives, and making sure that we are in control instead of dialoguing. Our task as caregivers is companionship and community. Our culture makes it harder because there is an expectation that we must control others by withholding ‘positive attention’ when someone is acting out. Our position is the opposite. We need to be the most loving during the worst moments.”

-John McGee

Our role as caregivers is to provide community and companionship

Defining Empathy

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“Empathy is not pity.”

“It is a feeling of being-one-with-the-other. It is trying to understand and sense why a child or adult is acting in a particular way and reflecting on the cumulative impact of each persons life history–years of segregation, submission, and isolation that gnaw away at the spirit. It is a spirit of sharing our common humanity, and the belief that no one exists as a mere individual but that we all exist interdependently…Empathy does not mean over-protection. It comes from our knowledge of the other and ourselves, our reality, our vulnerabilities, and our strengths and weaknesses. It is caring about the others anger, frustrations and rejection instead of whether the other is obeying or producing.

Represent-kindness-serenity-and-peace

We need to represent kindness, serenity and peace. It involves recognition of the personal and social dimensions of what it means to be handicapped, mentally ill, poor or abandoned. It remains steadfast during the good times and bad, at the depths of fury and the heights of joy. Nobody is only a student, a client, a resident, homeless, poor, or powerless. Empathy drives us to uncover the human condition and reveal its fullness, our fragility in the face of life’s vicissitudes, or vulnerability to emotional disruption, and our need for being-with others. We need to consider that we are but one short from homelessness ourselves.”

-John J. McGee

Process of Stretching

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“We teach “safe” by placing almost no demands on the person except for being with the person with a sense of just “being.” It is a tremendously important for one human being to teach another it is good to be near you. Nothing more, nothing less. This act of recognizing the brokenhearted person’s existence and goodness is a most powerful teaching-learning experience. At the same time, we need to engage in nurturing and finding relevant ways to express unconditional love without pressuring the person at all. This might seem weird, but the person will learn to feel safe if we lower our demands while increasing our goodness, kindness, and expression of love. We need to avoid putting the horse before the cart. Doing things is not the primary purpose of care giving; being with one another is.

A dimension that is often hard to understand and deal with involves the emergence of self-centeredness, becoming spoiled, after a time of intense nurturing. It is natural to become self-centered as a result of constant nurturing. This creates another important care giving role. We need to slowly begin to focus on stretching the person away from self-centeredness and toward other-centeredness. This stretching process involves reminding the person that he/she is safe and loved while asking a slight degree more—waiting a moment, taking turns, sharing, and other virtues involving others and our relationships. This process is very delicate so we need to keep reminding the person of how safe and loved he/she is.

The developmental model outlined below is a good guide for us to use to understand the various dimensions of new memories that have to be taught:

• From brokenhearted and lonely, to safe and loved;
• From self-centeredness, to reaching out to others and loving expressing love to them; and,
• From dependence on us, to engagement with us and others.

Doing-things-is-not-the-primary-purpose-of-care-giving-being-with-one-another-is

Our pedagogical process starts with us encountering a brokenhearted person and bringing two simple gifts that we have repeatedly mentioned—the feeling of being safe and loved. We have nothing else to give. These are not a program, a clinical approach, or focused on outcomes. They can, if necessary, be translated into mundane outcomes, but, for the caregiver, they are gifts and these now established feelings need to begin to include being safe with a growing circle of others and becoming a meaningful part of increasing engagement.

This stretching process is a part of normal development. These include learning other moral milestones such as learning to share, a giving up, momentarily, of what is theirs; learning to wait and to take turns; wanting others to feel proud; and, learning when enough is enough—self-control. We all have to learn these milestones. Each requires a grounded stance that assumes that the brokenhearted person has learned to feel safe and loved and is ready for participation in a broader community. After these have been formed in the person’s moral memory, we can then begin focusing on strengthening self-esteem, learning that “I am good!” and self-control, learning when enough is enough!” The person’s world and responsibilities begin to expand.

After an intense dimension involved almost solely with unconditional love, it is natural to enter a phase of self-centeredness. It is then that our role evolves into carefully and delicately stretching the still fragile brokenhearted person from a state of self-centeredness to one of other-centeredness. It is a process in which the person learns that it is good to be with a small circle of others, then it is good to do things with this group, and eventually it is good to do things with a wider circle of friends, and finally it is good to do things for others. This last encompasses a high form of moral maturity.

We also begin to focus on the person’s self-esteem. This milestone emerges when others keep reminding the person, “You are so good!” This begins to occur from the very start when we are teaching that it is good to be together. What happens in this process is that the person begins to feel safe and loved from within. As this occurs, the person begins to see him/herself in a different light and forms a moral memory that says, “I am somebody because my caregivers tell me I am.” As the circle of friends grows, the person’s sense of self-worth also expands and becomes stronger.”

– John J. McGee, PhD

Gentle Teaching International Conference 2015

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Kansas City, USA welcomes the Gentle Teaching community! On September 9-11, 2015, Kansas City will play host to the 2015 international conference. More information can be found at www.gti2015.com.

Gentle Teaching International 2015 Conference

If you want more information about the 2015 Gentle Teaching International Conference find our events page on Facebook by clicking here.

Gentle Teaching Theme for May 2015: Structure

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StructureStructure - 2

Tenderly, Softly and Flexibly Structuring the Day

By: John J. McGee, PhD

Gentle Teaching envisions systemic change, but it starts with just you and me. The inner workings of Gentle Teaching exclude any idea of seeing if Gentle Teaching might “work” on someone. A culture of gentleness is going to be gentle no matter what. It is not primarily a question of working; it is a question of expressing love in all of our interactions. Being kind transcends all other human interactions. It is not something that has to be proven. It is our duty to be gentle. A culture of gentleness also is communal in nature. We cannot treat one person kindly and then treat another person in a mean manner. We cannot embrace one person and then yell at another one. We cannot reach out lovingly to one person and then grab and take down another one. We cannot express love to one and then punish another.

We have to carve out a structure in the midst of chaos and within the dark cloud of heavy, damaging memories. We have to find ways to enter into this chaos almost without being noticed with the simple idea of being near the person with, at least, a slight hint of being with the person. There are no fixed tricks or recipes to do this. We need to formulate opportunities to present these gifts of feeling safe and loved. What the individual caregiver or the caring community needs to do is fit their interactions to the needs of the person in any given moment within a culture of gentleness and initially our first moments can be extremely fragile:

  • We have to understand that our mere presence can be frightening and burdensome since it is often the case that the marginalized person simply sees us as just another caretaker who will be mean, devaluing, and bossy. Because the person might feel under attack, we have to enter into the person’s space slowly, quietly, and peacefully. We should avoid almost any demand and simply want to be as near as we can. In a way, we have to enter this frightened space like the most gentle and warmest breeze. We do not have to do anything else and we might whisper that we are not going to do anything but be near. As caregviers, we have to understand the initial fear that simply being near a brokenhearted person provokes. We are initially in a world in which we want to bring joy, but the person can only see us as mean and cruel like all the past caretakers. So, our first steps need to be tiny, soft, and non-demanding. We have to be acutely aware of any sign of fear such as increasingly labored breathing, the smallest of flinches, pulling away, and a cold gaze. These signs and others can be the body’s way of screaming to us “Do not pressure me or make me do anything. Just be near me without pushing yourself on me.”
  • Our mere presence should be marked by a sense of profound peace and humility. We can be the most loving and gentle caregivers in the world, but the alienated person will see us as mean and cruel like everyone else in their memory. The person can often see a gentle caregiver as just another guard-like caretaker who will boss everyone around, be pushy, insist that the person do something, and treat brokenhearted persons as mere objects. Even though that perception might be the farthest from our mind, we are swept into these memories and we need to realize that the person sees us as an amalgamation of past caretakers.
  • The initial expectation is to quietly find a way to be near the individual. Our initial purpose is simply to be near the person and then to be with the person. The key word is “with” the person. This might seem to be a very insignificant purpose, but for a brokenhearted person it is a major breakthrough. For those who are suffering, just being with them is a major first care-giving purpose. As the person then gets the feeling that the caregiver is not going to do harm or be bossy, the caregiver then might look for a way to further quietly enter into the person’s terrified space. This could happen almost immediately or it might take a long time. The slower we go, the faster we will get there. The more peaceful and we are, the less terrified the person will be and the less demanding . In a sense we need to enter the person’s space with low expectations but the highest hope.
  • As the goodness of our mere presence takes root, we can then perhaps move closer, maybe touch the person’s shoulder, smile warmly, look into the person’s eyes lovingly, and try to create a cycle of this “approach.” Our voice and manner should be soft, tender, non-demanding, and calming. We need to see the person from the very first moment as our brother or sister who is suffering and scared. So, as we approach the person, we must see someone whom we love. This takes a tremendous amount of moral imagination on our part. It helps us to “see” the person’s sorrow and the possibility of joy. The first approaches might involve just being near the person. But, as time unfolds, we will find ways to slowly enter into this fearful space more closely perhaps with a smile, a whispered phrase, or a light touch.
  • This initial approach, almost presenting our self invisibly, is the first structure that eventually unfolds into various dimensions such as increased participation, seeking our caregivers, sharing, and participating in the caring community. As we enter more and more into the person’s space, we then look for non-intrusive and non-demanding ways to be with the person for longer periods of time. These interactions might be simple, but vital, such as talking about the person’s goodness, reaching a hand out, and doing something together.
  • If there is a focus on doing anything, it should be doing an activity or chore with the person or even for the person. The focus must always be on the person’s goodness, not an activity.

 

Take a Stand Against a “Thanklessness Epidemic”

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Over a year ago I started a personal blog where I would share my thoughts and insights on the world around me. It was my desire to write a post once a day for a year. I desperately wanted to keep it up, and did well for a time: but the personal pressure that I placed on myself became too much. The blog focused on one specific thing: the daily heroes that I would run into at work, at the grocery store, on the street and in the least unexpected places. My goal was to expose the beauty of the world around me and publicly thank the ‘daily heroes’ to my handful of faithful readers.  Although I haven’t logged a blog for some time, this thought of thankfulness has been constantly on my heart and mind. And dare I say, I think we are in a ‘thanklessness epidemic’. Don’t get me wrong, we can hear people say thank-you around us all the time, but is it anything more than a simple pleasantry or a moralistic mandate? We need to foster thankfulness and find moments where our deep appreciation is expressed in ways that it will be heard clearly and intentionally for what it truly is.

On the other hand, thanklessness is deeply tethered and connected to the inability to be content. When you are thankless, not only do you rob the other person of the glory that belongs to them, you convince yourself you could have gotten on fine without them. Author JD Greer says, ” Think of it (thanklessness) like plagiarism. Plagiarism is harmful on two levels: the first level is you rob someone else of the credit of their words. Secondly you delude others and yourself in thinking that you can come up with that level of idea all the time.” When we choose to be thankless, we turn our focus inwards and disregard others around us. We become so focused on “I”, “ME”, and  “MY” that we forget that is so often “OTHERS” that shape our life and it’s events. Although some people may like to live in a cavernous hermitage, most people need and want others around: let’s not forget our thankfulness often draws us into a greater sense on community.

Teaching thankfulness-is-not-to-be-seen-as-forcing-or-indoctrinating-someone,-rather-as-a-way-to-boldly-show-our-appreciation

In the Gentle Teaching community we talk about the four pillars (can anyone name them?): to be SAFE, to be LOVED, to become more LOVING AND to become more ENGAGED. Each one of these pillars are critical in building, establishing ans sustaining a relationship: with people we serve or otherwise. How do you help raise these pillars? One of the ways that I suggest is to increase the genuineness of our thankfulness. By becoming more thankful, and expressing our adoration and appreciation through words and actions we are directly able to help people feel safe and loved.

When I am genuinely thanked for something that I have done, I personally feel a deeper connection and appreciation for that person. Essentially I feel safe and more valued by that person, because they gave me both their time and words of affirmation. As we become more thankful around those that we serve we are teaching others to imitate what is good and right: we are teaching the foundation of healthy relationships. By modeling our genuine thankfulness before those we serve, we are teaching others to become more loving and engaged in their own lives. In essence we are saying, “Come, follow me…Do this..this is good and right.” Teaching thankfulness is not to be seen as forcing or indoctrinating someone, rather as a way to boldly show our appreciation to others and free those around us to accept, embrace and duplicate thankfulness in their own lives.

Got a story? I would love to hear about thankfulness in your life! Maybe it was someone that you noticed, or a story where you were edified because of someone’s courage to share their thankful appreciation with you. Send me a message at ben@creativeoptionsregina.ca

 

Signing-off,

Ben

Director of Culture and Mentorship